(read part 1 here)
- Mammamia everyone outside is excited like flies on a soft shit.
I told him that we are well, relaxed, having a chat, everything is fine. The pizzas have also arrived. Good thing I bought some red wine. and guess what... they call you hostages out there...
- What hostages?! Never been better in my life. This morning I woke up thinking I would be going to work as usual and I almost pushed the razor a bit more while shaving, to feel something new... and now I'm here with pizza and Lambrusco.
A woman in her thirties, in a white shirt, unbuttoned and tied at the waist approaches the elderly gentleman with a glass of Lambrusco and says:
- when I saw you arrive at the checkout I thought "another old man coming to ask why there are thirty cents missing from his pension", instead I hear you say it's a robbery ... fuck me my eyes lit up. I already see myself a guest on assorted talk shows. My list of wishes on Amazon keeps growing.
- I am very happy to have cheered up your day. However, know that I have to play the part all the way. Next time the phone rings, I have to pretend I want to exterminate you all with gas and nail guns. It is important that they believe me ok? Play along and do as I tell you. By tomorrow morning you all will be a trending topic on Twitter. In the meantime, turn up the music, keep the party going!
Outside, the area seems like an ordinary afternoon in Mogadishu during the good times of the ethnic genocide. Police armoured vehicles delimit the off-limits area. Dozens of machine guns and various guns sprout from behind the silhouettes of the vehicles, all pointed at the bank doors. The silence is broken only by some nervous coughing, radio communications between various locations and the murmur from the crowd in search of the Instagram shot of the month.
- Eagle 1 from the roof, we are going to place the ultrasound-whatever-whoknows microphones. With these in position, we distinguish who is who from their farts. Here we are... ok green lights on, all seems ok... let's hear what the hell that crazy old bastard says...
The concentration rises to the stars around the armoured vehicles.
- Eagle 1 What do you see? What's this awful music?
- Bear to Eagle 1, turn off the iPod, we can't hear what's happening inside the bank... Seriously though, where did you do sniper training, in Duckburg?
- Eagle 1 to Bear, Commander, the music is coming directly from the bank, it seems there is a massive party going on in there... Is there any chance we can break in without being noticed, join those debauched civilians and fuck it all? I heard the bankers are all hotties and maybe we can make out on the couch... my wife doesn't even know what I do and...
- Bear to Eagle 1, if you do not shut up I'll get you sniped by Eagle 2. Eagle 2 can you see that asshole? At my signal let the bullets fly.
- Eagle 2 to Bear, Commander no problem, if I off Eagle 1 then can I be Eagle 1?
The phone rings inside the bank
- Hello, this is the Bank, I'm Mariela, can I help you?
- Mariela hi, I'm the Total Commander of Everything, are you alright? But then, the robber has let you answer the phone? What's happening?
- Relax commander, everything is ok, we're all fine...ehm, no I mean, the robber says that if you do not comply with his terms he'll detonate a Mother of All Bombs and wipe us out like from here to David Jones three miles from here
- But ... we hear party music playing in there...
- It's me, the robber, Mariela went to make a mojit ... to sit down with the other hostages ...
- Listen to me, you old man, either you release some hostages, starting from this Mariela, or I release the charge of the orcs directly from Lord of the Rings, do you hear me? I have a hundred agents out here who can not wait to tweet "first shooting in my life #howcool". If I only hear a weird sneeze, you will get shot like the Spartans at the Thermopolis. Is it clear?
- Sir Lieutenant, let's try to stay calm. Let's do this: I'll now give you the list of my conditions, you grant them one by one and I release a couple of hostages at a time. What do you think?
- What would these conditions be?
- I'll send you a fax.
- A fax? The last fax I saw was in the last 2D film ever shot when I was a little bastard...
- That bastard has hung up... He said he's sending a fax...
- But Sir, the last fax I saw was in the last 2D film that...
- I know, I know... let me think... Ok, Send twenty agents around the city, antique dealers, collectors, mental health patients, hospices, public offices... someone must have a fax machine somewhere. Do it quickly.
- Yes Sir.
Meanwhile from the roof...
- Eagle 1 to Bear, I see movements from the window of the first floor...
- Bear to Eagle 1, what do you see?
- It looks like a group of people at a desk... they seem to be brainstorming ideas and someone's taking notes. What do I do? Maybe I should just erase them all as my father always told me when we went hunting and ...
- I do not give a fuck about your father or your little girl hunting bullshits; do not shoot for any reason. Continue to observe. Rather, tell me about Mariela... do you see any hottie that might be her?
- How the fuck do I know who is who if I do not know anything about her? But I see a white shirt unbuttoned and barefoot chick dancing the salsa on the desk.
- Fuck it's her.
- Being a hostage she seems to be having a good time... maybe an accomplice? I'm going to off her and see what happens...
- Eagle 2, ready to fire on Eagle 1 in three, two, one...
The noise of a glass breaking interrupts the tension and from the window the shape of a dark object first flies upwards and then falls to the ground, rolling a few meters and stopping directly in front of the Total Commander's feet.
On the ground is what appears to be an office printer toner and a sheet wrapped and fastened with a rubber band.
The Commander, baffled, bends over and grabs the sheet freeing it from the toner, skims over the writing he sees and, turning to the waiting agents he sighs:
- The fax has arrived. Get ready.
(to be continued)
Writer wannabe, mojito and absinthe lover, one day I want to see the Earth from space. I’m a ESL Teacher.